Everybody has a vice. Some people have got many. I used to smoke. Not a lot, never more than half a pack a day really. But, it was still something I did for about 10 years, off and on. Then I quit for about 5 and then I started back up. Stayed smoking for about 2 years and then, about a year ago, quit again. I never really had a hard time quitting once I set my mind to it. I never really missed it. I don’t think I was ever really addicted to them; I just enjoyed the social aspects of it and the prop of the cigarette itself. I loved the feel of it in my hand. Loved the way it looked out of the corner of my eye when I spoke with my hands. I loved the way you could be bored out of your mind at a party, not talking to a soul…but, the minute you went out on the porch to smoke, everyone out there was your immediate best friend. There was this ease and this friendly banter with the ones banished to the outside. I just loved it.
I have quite a few friends and loved ones with the crutch of alcohol propping them up. Drinking was never really my thing. Oh, I had moments in my life where I drank more than others. But, it was never something I needed. I have a thing about drinking my calories. Just can’t do it. Plus, it is so expensive…you are just going to pee it out. Much smarter for the cost, to inhale something and let it live in your lungs for years. Smarter. Right.
My vice of choice has always been food. And what can you do when you must consume your vice to live. It takes so much willpower for me to NOT eat the ice cream, or cookies, or cupcake. More than it ever took for me to not smoke or take a drink. I’ve struggled with my weight my whole life. Those who know me will probably say at my heaviest, I was hardly obese. I never needed a crane to remove me from my house.
But, the thing is…I know how easy it is to get there. I must constantly watch it and not let the eating get too out of hand, and sometimes that makes me resentful. The rest of the world (at least it seems that way) gets to eat whatever the hell they want, while I must abstain from the sugar whenever possible. I must log every morsel that passes my lips. Walk everywhere I go to keep the metabolism high. When I get angry at my food journal, I rebel and eat whatever is in sight. It just makes it that more painful when I realize what I have done and have to get back to square one. That happens time and time again. You would think I would get it and not do this destructive behavior. But, I just can’t help myself. I’m a glutton for punishment.
It’s now at the point where I must buy new clothes so I can be comfortable. 15 pounds have crept back on my hips and if I don’t stop it now, it will only get worse. It makes me tired just thinking about it. But, what can you do? I better dust of my Weight Watchers membership book and get back at it. For the longer I let it go, the longer it will take to get back to normal. Ah, me…what can you do? Maybe, if I start up smoking…
